Every Friday notjustshootyhoops will release a new countdown list featuring a variety of topics. Some ground rules: there’s not a specific number of entrants on the list; it can literally be anything. For example, if the countdown was on top Presidents on Mount Rushmore, obviously that list would only have four. If the countdown was a super-sized jumbo package year end special ranking every Office episode, that would have have 201 things. And I welcome everyone to react with their thoughts and opinions. Hell, re-do my list if you think it stinks. I love a good give-and-take! So, with the boring stuff out of the way, here’s this week’s Friday Night Countdown:
Greatest Michael Scott Characters (Top 11…or 15, technically)
Honorable Mentions
HM – Mykonos (Season 7, “The Seminar”)
Mykonos, the Greek millionaire who sounds Italian! This Michael persona liked the musical “Grease” presumably because the feeble-minded Michael thought it was about the country of “Greece”. Michael and his love interest, Holly Flax, attempt to work on their Greek accents by ordering cappuccinos with Hank, Michael’s oft-nemesis security guard who works in the lobby of Dunder Mifflin. Predictably, Hank was as amused with Michael’s antics as the office workers who are forced to deal with his vanity everyday.
HM – Detective Michael Scoon, FBI (Season 2, “Email Surveillance”)
What’s the most exciting scene in any movie or TV show? If you answered “when somebody has a gun” then you’ve got something in common with the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. Michael infuriated his fellow improv class members by constantly introducing a gun into the scenes in which they’d previously set up and taking things over for the worse.
Fun fact: in one improv scene, he refers to himself as Dt. Michael Scarn. Perhaps the first mention of a famous Scott invention?
HM – Michael Scotch (Season 5, “New Boss”)
“Quick thinking” name that Michael came up with when trying to get Dunder Mifflin CFO David Wallace’s attention in New York. Not much to this one, hence its inclusion as an honorable mention…
HM – Reginald Poofter (Season 7, “The Seminar”)
Another nothing entry but I wanted to include it somehow. In season 7, towards the end of Michael Scott’s run on “The Office”, there was a fun crossover moment where Michael has a chance run-in with Ricky Gervais’ David Brent character (aka the English version inspiration for the Michael Scott character). When Michael runs into ‘David Brent’, he notices his natural English accent and asks for some advice on his own British-born persona named Reginald Poofter. After exchanging some pleasantries, offensive Chinese dialogue, and a well-timed “That’s What She Said” joke, they go their separate ways forever and we never again meet Mr. Poofter. But the fun English/American Office crossover makes this worthy of an (honorable) mention here.
HM – Orville Tootenbacher (Season 7, “The Search”)
Yet another lack of a character but a necessary inclusion… Orville Tootenbacher. With Holly, Dwight, and Erin hot on Michael’s tail searching for the missing Regional Manager, they stumble across a woman who had recently given a free stress ball to an “Orville Tootenbacher”. Dwight and Erin instantly recognize the name as Michael’s millionaire character who has the ability to fart popcorn. I would have loved to have seen an expansion of this iteration of Michael.
#10 – Willy Wonka (Season 5, “Golden Ticket”)
Deviating into an even more plagiarized version of a an already-famous pop culture reference than usual, kicking off the countdown is “Willy Wonka”. Scott didn’t even add his usual “Michael” to the namesake to make it slightly original. BUT having said that, Michael’s take on Willy Wonka was super amusing. In an act of whimsy, excitement, and fantasy, Michael placed five golden tickets worth 10% off a paper order into (naively) several closely-situated ballots of paper in the shipping area. After all, Michael saw it as his duty to pro-fill-a-gate great ideas as Regional Manager of the office.
When Blue Cross of Pennsylvania finds all five golden tickets, they received 50% off their total order, which will cost Dunder Mifflin a buttload of commission. Michael ditches his Wonka hat and tries to distance himself from the character by fictionally attending an Obama Fashion Show. But his whimsical foray into a cult classic movie was a fun start to this week’s countdown.
#9 – Michael the Magic (Season 3, “Cocktails”)
Something tells me this wasn’t the only Michael Scott character who tried to escape from extreme bondage. After years of using his PTO to attend weeklong magic camps, Michael The Magic perfected his routine of escaping from a chained straight jacket and was ready to put his magician skills on display for his workers.
But, his bumbling of the hidden key to the floor, which was quickly covered up by office jokester Jim Halpert, led to hilariously bad results. We only met Michael the Magic for one brief cold open but the hilarity helped get him on the very prestigious notjustshootyhoops countdown list!
#8 – Ping (Season 2, “The Dundies”, Season 7 “The Seminar” & “Goodbye, Michael”)
Michael’s naivety was acutely shown with his generic Asian character, Ping. Ping made his Office debut early in Season 2 to serve as an ‘entertainer’ in between awards at Chili’s during The Dundies…eliciting shocked disgust from an Asian diner and eye rolls from the Dunder Mifflin crew in the audience.
Later, Michael found a strange solace in Ping on his last day at Dunder Mifflin. With his inability to find the proper way to say goodbye to his friends and co-workers, he used his universally-panned offensive Asian character as a defense mechanism of sorts.
#7 – Caleb Crawdad (Season 6, “Murder”)
Coming in at #7 is Caleb Crawdad, I do declare! Slight points off for the technicality of Mr. Crawdad not being an offspring of the blissfully deranged mind of Michael Gary Scott. But rather, Caleb was Michael’s southern accent-laden ‘handsome playboy’ character that he drew (*ehem*) randomly for the Murder in Savannah game that he forced every Dunder Mifflin employee to play to keep their minds off an inevitable company sale.
All things considered, the more I look back, this character was a lot of fun. I kind of wish we got to see more of Crawdad’s daily struggles: a different woman every night…constantly being oogled…and being the character most medium suspected as the killer by Dwight.
#6 – Santa (Various appearances)
Michael Scott made a few appearances as Santa Claus and they collectively deserve mention here. If for nothing else, Michael’s Santa character gave us Kevin Malone excruciatingly sitting on his lap and one of my all-time favorite Office lines from Jim Halpert:
“Michael, you can’t pin your employees on your lap and say, ‘I need this, I need this.’”
#5 – Blind Guy McSqueezy (Season 6, “The Lover”)
Michael Scott’s answer to Mr. Magoo. McSqueezy was a character whose lack of vision got him into all sorts of hijinks. His insistence on feeling up the people he talked to led to the women in his improv class absolutely hating him.
#4 – Michael Klump (Season 5, “Weight Loss”, Season 6 “Happy Hour”)
I say—I say—I say—I say I sit on you! Michael Klump was Scott’s way of paying tribute to the more heavyset population. He claimed heavier people were beautiful…not dislike the McGuire Twins, Jaba the Hut, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, and Elvis Presley, apparently. Whilst some office members claimed Klump was Michael’s character to make fun of fat people, he was quick to insist that Klump was nothing more than a celebration of fat people.
Michael insisted that his workers have more sensitivity, even supplying them with an example for guidance! The outside of their building was ugly, but you come inside and it’s beautiful. Michael wearing an “unappealing fat suit” (the ugly) yet inside was a rather handsome, sexy man (the beautiful). Thanks for clearing things up, Mr. Klump!
#3 – Date Mike (Season 6, “Happy Hour”)
With the entire office at a happy hour at a local Dave & Buster’s-esque establishment, Michael was actually making positive headway with a friend of Jim and Pam’s, Julie. When Michael is himself and doesn’t try to put on a show for the cameras, he can actually be charming. But, of course, he catches wind that Jim and Pam are setting him up in the moment and derails into putting on a show. He deviates into date mode. And we’re introduced to the incomparable…Date Mike!
Naturally, the once-charming Michael begins his attempts at impressing Julie. As any warm-blooded male would do, Michael tosses on a Kangol hat, unsuccessfully attempting to tie a cherry stem into a knot, and playing air guitar on a pool stick. “I’m Date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
#2 – Michael Scarn (various episodes)
Michael Scarn is Scott’s James Bond-type persona. He’s most-expanded upon in the episode “Threat Level Midnight” which recounts Michael’s writing debut in a feature short starring himself and the staff of Dunder Mifflin. He’s married to Catherine Zeta-Jones (yes, much like Willy Wonka above, Michael can sometimes deviate from originality) and saves the NHL All-Star Game from a bomb threat by the evil Goldenface. And yes, it’s as humorously-terrible as it sounds…and luckily, Michael sees the merit in agreeing.
This character also inspired a classic dance routine, “The Scarn”. It’s simple. You jump to the right and shake a hand. Jump to the left and shake that hand. Meet new friends. Tie some yarn, that’s how you do the Scarn!
#1 – Prison Mike (Season 3, “The Convict”)
You didn’t expect anything different, did you? Even non-fans of The Office have likely come across and laughed at Prison Mike. In an effort to convince the office workers that Dunder Mifflin was better than prison (long story), Michael adopts a character where he seeks to convey just how awful life in prison can be and SCARE PHILLIS STRAAAAAIIIGGGHHHHTTT:
A) In prison, you’re somebody’s bitch
B) You can’t have fun in the office where your boss is nice
C) All there was to eat was gruel omelettes
D) The dementors fly all over the place and suck the soul out of your body
His hilarious purple bandana-clad character certainly scared the shit out of this blogger! I don’t want to be nobody’s bitch. And I’d certainly not want to be the bell of the ball.
Next week’s Friday Night Countdown Topic: Greatest Candy Bars!